Countdown Continues...........

Less than three weeks now before take off - I'm starting to feel like an astronaut.

More developments on the health front though. I did have my old root canal re-done one week ago. Not a pleasant experience to be sure, but really, at least for me, not a horrible one either. I've had three root canals now over a period of twenty plus years, two originals and one repeat, and none of them have been horrible. Yes, I know I have a relatively high pain tolerance (this has decreased with age, and I imagine it will continue to decrease, but apparently it's still "relatively" high), but really the pain factor is mitigated by dental anesthesia anyway during the procedure, and ibuprofen was sufficient afterwards, so it's more about discomfort and unpleasantness than pain.

One week on and I have only a minimal residual discomfort when I move my jaw certain ways; almost completely gone. No ibuprofen needed. Coincidentally enough (?), or is it a cause and effect phenomenon (?), but I began feeling better the same day of the root canal; afterwards that is. I can't say if getting to the "cause of the infection" (as the endodontist called it) is responsible for this, or the oil of oregano I took (recommended by Ellie, our massage therapist), or the colloidal silver (recommended by me), or the few days of fasting or the pranayama I've begun doing regularly (also recommended by me), or a combination of any of these, but I seem to have turned the corner, and I continue to feel  more like who I remember myself to be. Good energy, no exhaustion, not feeling like a piece of discarded old rag.

I want to give credit primarily to the fasting and the pranayama, but that may just be my yogic fantasy speaking. Or not. I know that doing pranayama, which I haven't done formally forever, is infusing my body with vital energy. I told Quinn, our acupuncturist, about this, and how I think it is replacing the jogging that I did for decades and can't physically do any more, which routinely strengthened my heart and lungs, and he agrees. He's treating me for, among other things, a weak lung pulse, so this all fits in with his understanding. In any case, I'm liking doing it, and I'm liking the effects. And, not insignificantly, the timing is terrific.

Today, hopefully the last of my invasive dental visits for a good long while, in which the permanent crown was put onto the  broken tooth that led to the discovery of all the rest. I may or may not get in for the annually recommended full exam and twice annual cleaning before we leave. I suspect that there may be something going on on the other side of my mouth  - where my other root canal resides - but maybe that will keep itself contained for a while longer, and maybe I'll need to deal with it in Thailand. All prayers gratefully accepted.

Still a bunch of stuff to get packed away; still a few chores to tend to around the house; farewells to be made; last minute unforeseen details that will no doubt present themselves. Still, now that I'm feeling better, I've begun to happily anticipate our departure. This has been tempered by other changes though, in which I've had to adapt myself to the major shift in what was planned to be a year or year and a half away, and what is now a mere six months, before we must return for the happy (God willing) birth of our first grand child in April of 2017, in Seattle.

Aaron and Saly very much want Nancy to be there, and Nancy very much wants to be there. I suppose I occupy the stereotypical male dimension in which the necessity of this eventuality doesn't register with me in anything like the way it does for Nancy. That is, I don't have to be there. In this situation though, the feminine wisdom will prevail, and we will be there, my initial disappointment at the decrease in our time away notwithstanding. And not only that, but as long as we're back in the States, we might as well hang around for 3 1/2 months (ughhhh!) so that we can attend Adam's - Nancy's nephew - wedding to Kate in July, in Colorado.

I know I'm grousing. It's just what I do when things I'm attached to don't go the way I want them to. I always come around. I suppose I could come around faster, but then I guess I'd miss the fun of griping, and of giving Nancy a hard time.

The current plan is that we will return to Thailand in July, and remain for....................who knows? At this moment it seems the best course to remember the title of this blog, and just leave it all open.  Too much futurizing isn't generally a happy strategy, so I'm practicing being grateful for what we have, what we are able to do, and what will come.

One final note:  this past Saturday night I had the immense joy and blessing of reuniting with the original kirtan band that we formed 2 1/2 years ago in Santa Fe, when Sitaram Dass, the founder of and inspiration for the band, and for the weekly kirtan that has continued after his departure, returned to town for a retreat, and for one kirtan at the yoga center. The four of us came together after more than a year apart, and played for a devoted group of  Bhakti yogis. If I say so myself, the church was rockin'! And it was, well, divine. Deep thanks to all.

Coasting Down To Departure

Well, my attention has been pretty much occupied by my state of (ill) health these  last many weeks. BUT WAIT!!! After consulting with four medical people (my dentist; the specialist endodontist; the urgent care PA; and last my primary nurse practitioner), and receiving the good news from two blood draws and multiple tests (all normal; no lyme's, no thyroid disfunction; no nothin'), and being examined by all, the conclusion is that my malaise has been caused by a more severe than normal - for me - allergy reaction. So I don't have any exotic malady, or any ordinary malady other than my always present in one form or another allergies. That's a relief really. I've never known this kind of fatigue for so long - 6 weeks - before. But the conclusion makes sense to me, and I've been using some antihistamine spray, had an acupuncture treatment and will have a few more before we depart, and will take some Chinese herbs as well. I've already started feeling better, and today I was able to accomplish doing several chores around the homestead, checking items off the to do list.

What remains though is a decision I need to make regarding the infected tooth. Pull it or re-root canal it? OR, maybe, if the particular gods are on my side, have it resolved by way of an essential oil application, the formula for which was put together by Quinn, my acupuncturist. I have a  bit more time to make this decision, but not all that  much. Nancy thinks I should have it pulled and be done with it, and when we muscle tested me for the two options, root canal was a "no" and pulling was a "yes". Hmmm.

Aside from my aging body requiring more attention lately, we are now on what I hope is the graceful downhill slope leading to our next departure from New Mexico. A few things to do yet, but not all that much, really. Nothing like last year when we were starting from scratch, prepping the house, cleaning up the property, moving all manner of things to town, getting our visas and photos and passports and banking and mail in order. Researching everything. Much of this is simply carry forward from last year now.

The "kids" are settling into their new and current  lives in their respective locations on the West coast. They are well and doing well. We can leave them to themselves for the time being and head off again for another while, fully planning to return to the States from our home base in Thailand for at least one if not two visits during our imagined +/- year and a half away. Blessings abound, even in the midst of challenges and inconveniences and bothers and glitches. Living in relentless gratitude.

UPDATE:

My fatigue is back, after 2 or 3 days of relief. Feeling pretty much like shite again. Today in conversation with Nancy I speculated that, as I have entered a realm in which I say I have nothing to accomplish, and so in which I am simply more open to  what there is around me, I am perhaps more sensitive to an energy I've always experienced in Santa Fe, which is one of oppression, to put it in a word. This related to the history of New Mexico, the Catholic Church, conquistadores, violence, rape, murder,  pillage, slaughter. The patron system of hierarchical political and social organization. I'm feeling an oppressiveness with regard to my energy level, certainly. If I'm willing to extend the meaning of  "allergies" to include my body/mind reaction to "what's in the air", then I might say I'm allergic to New Mexico. I do find myself saying "get me the fuck out of here", however one might like to interpret the meaning of that.

TBC

Update

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote, so it feels over due. Last post I talked about turning over the handling of the house to our property manager, after emailing the couple in Scotland. Well, they have leased the house for a year, paid the entire year in advance, and will be arriving about October 21, about a month after we leave on September 17. Whatever the anxiety was that I was feeling about all this seems to have dissipated, and we're carrying on according to plan.

Terra arrived from 5 years in the  cauldron that is Israel, traumatized, tired, looking forward to her new life, somewhat stressed and anxious, but, she has been saying, optimistic as well. And as it has turned out as of today, for good reason. There were three major items on her "must accomplish" agenda, and they have all been duly accomplished in pretty short order:

1) buy a car; not just any car, but the right car. First car we all looked at is the one, and that went smoothly enough with Nancy and I being the legal owners and the proud debtors of a used car loan form the State Employees Credit Union. A 2004 Honda Accord, 119K miles at purchase, excellent condition, pretty, roomy, and exactly what Terra wanted. Drove Nancy and Terra beautifully to San Diego, and around and about since then in order to accomplish items 2 and 3:

2) find housing; Terra's happy with her new studio apartment, in the neighborhood she wanted, and, as it turns out, only 10 minutes from her.............

3) new job with the San Diego Unified School District as a classroom teacher of (probably) 4th grade at exactly the school she wanted to work at.

All this in about two weeks time from the moment of landing in New Mexico to the receipt of the job offer. We are all humbled by and grateful for the Grace and Divine Blessing of it all. Amen.

So the house is largely ready for our new tenants, complete with a brand new Samsung clothes washer, paid for by the proceeds of our successful garage sale. Water tanks to be full before we leave; house "operating manual" delivered to tenants Brooke and Nick; furniture left for them; remaining personal items to be packed and stored in our shed. With Terra settling in in San Diego, and Aaron and Saly settling in in Seattle, it should be a nice gentle coast down hill for Nancy and I toward our flight to New York on September 17. Except......................

I've been dealing with not feeling well at all for at least a  month - very tired; low energy; wiped out. Yesterday I went to the dentist to get a broken filling repaired, and it turns out I have some presumably significant infection that has probably gone systemic, so now I'm taking penicillin which will hopefully address what's been going on, even though today, 24 hours later, I'm not yet feeling any better. I worry about getting this completely resolved in time for our scheduled flight in just over six weeks. I've never experienced this kind of chronic, long term (for me) fatigue, and of course I'm concerned that the penicillin might not work on this specific infection. I had no pain with this presumably long standing "failed root canal" infection, and so didn't think in terms of anything tooth related. No other symptoms either: no pain, no head aches, no muscle or joint aches, no fever. Just the fatigue. I hope that's good news.

Culture Shock

(I wrote this some weeks ago and haven't published it til today, so the content is "old news". My next post will be more current and bring things up to date).


The first time Nancy and I drove out to our house and land, after being in Santa Fe for a night I think it was, at Nina's, we both felt an onslaught of overwhelm. Maybe it was mixed with dread. I can't be certain now, some 6 weeks later, but I think that would be accurate. This was the culture shock we thought we'd experience right away in New York, and didn't. We'd come from an easy re-entry there  for 10 days, and then six weeks in Florida at MaryAnn's. Our re-entry to New Mexico was a delayed late night arrival at the Albuquerque Sunport, a missed shuttle to Santa Fe, and a night on the floor of the arriving passenger greeting lounge. If we were paying closer attention we might have immediately noticed the rough landing, and what it might portend. From this vantage point now, I'd say it was an omen, or a foreshadowing, or a simple sign of things to come.

We hit the ground running as they say, and it's only a few days now since our relentless efforts to reduce our earthly possessions by half, and sell or donate whatever we had to in order to achieve this, culminated in the grand one day garage sale at 1814 Otowi. It was a commercial success. We sold - or more accurately for the most part, virtually gave away - a ton of stuff, and took what was left to two donation centers. Done. Rented storage in Santa Fe eliminated. What's left will stay in the shed on the land, awaiting........................what? Another culling in a year and a half when we're thinking we'll be back in New Mexico? Who knows, but for now it will be packed up and stored away: items we think we'll need one day; things we can't bare to let go of (what would those be, I ask myself honestly?); tools, which, I say, as long as we own this house I have to keep (I eagerly look forward to not needing to keep them); junk? No. Not much junk, I think. We got rid of that. Still, what we have will likely fill our shed, or, maybe it won't, quite.

Physically yes, but more so emotionally, I'm experiencing an exhaustion, and a sense of vulnerability and anxiety. I can't put my finger on it. In the midst of all the culling, I've been actively advertising for and screening would be renters. With literally one exception, they have all, and there have been many, been inappropriate. Unrealistic about living off grid; the wrong timing or the wrong price point; looney tunes; not equipped emotionally for the realities of Cerro Chato; the wrong vehicle for our  location; one thing after another. The one fellow who came out and spent some time with us, and loved the place, and would have been a great tenant and would have rented it, got a last minute and unexpected job offer from the State of Oregon, and will move there instead.

A couple of nights ago I reached my limit and decided to let go of the whole thing - that is, let go of my personal involvement with the whole thing - and turn it over to our realtor/property manager to deal with. In other words, to let him do the job we pay him to do. I sent him an email to this effect and felt relief. Next morning though I back tracked and wrote one more email, the possible last in a series of emails back and forth between me and a woman in northwest Scotland, an American, familiar with this neighborhood and actively interested in being here. I told her that I was turning it all over to my property manager, but that if she wanted to close the deal we had been exploring for a while, in which she would pay a year's rent up front, sight unseen, we could do that. She wrote back within ten minutes and said 'let's do this'. Ever since then I've been feeling anxious. Why? Is there something wrong with this deal that I'm picking up on intuitively? It's even possible that she and her husband might want to buy the house after the year. Scott, the manager, says he'd take this deal in a New York minute. I'm asking for protection against any bad juju , waiting for the transfer of money from the UK to her friend in Santa Fe and then to us, turning the outcome over to God.

I don't want to be here. Not in New Mexico, not on this land, not in our house. I'm grieving. I want to be where it's soft, and green, and gentle, and  moist. This place has never been my heart place, and now, in the midst of all the upheaval and change and letting go, the pain of this truth is becoming more difficult to bare. I know it's only a little while before we can leave. And now Terra will be here in three days, and her life is in upheaval as well. Right at the moment it's all feeling like too much.

Full Circle

Well, we made it back to our wonderful and humble straw house on Grateful Way. We've spent three nights here now. Getting things re-organized, cleaned up, re-entering. The culture shock we thought we'd experience coming back to the States didn't happen in New York, where we spent time with my family, and it didn't happen in Florida, where we spent time with Nancy's family and with our new daughter-in-law Saly. It happened when we drove out to the house our first evening back to have a look see, not planning to spend the night just yet. Both Nancy and I felt as if we had just run into a wall. For her it was a lot about all the dead plants outside. Plants that she'd nurtured for years in some cases. For me it was a feeling of utter overwhelm in being struck by my internal story about the enormity of what it takes to live here. Things, I subsequently said, I don't ever want to have to think about again.

We returned to beloved Nina's house in town where we had soft landed back in New Mexico, after what was not a soft landing at the Albuquerque International Sunport the night before. We arrived late, after 11PM, and were scheduled to take an 11:45 shuttle to Santa Fe. Well, we were a few minutes late getting to the shuttle desk, and they hadn't waited for us. Nancy was told they would wait till 11:59, but they didn't. Which meant, by  our choice, that we would spend the  night on the floor in the arriving passenger waiting area. By the time morning came, and we had arranged to take a 7:15AM shuttle to Santa Fe, we hadn't slept, and we were beat. This no doubt contributed, later that day, to our sense of overwhelm when we drove out to Skyland.

We spent the day in shock, using every thing we had to make the smallest decisions. Taking a shower was too much for me to organize. Nina was a gem. So welcoming. So supportive. So glad to see us.

We've been at the house now for less than 72 hours, and all that shock and overwhelm is gone. We're settling in for the time being, all the while talking about, planning for, and anticipating our next departure. As well as whether or not to sell the house or rent it. We think we're clear about it, and then something happens to upset that clarity. Yesterday it was a conversation with Aaron, in which I told him that my new strategy to sell the house quickly, before we would depart, was to slash the price from 190K to 160K,  with a bottom line of 150K.  He didn't think this was a good idea, and the conversation turned toward his idea that he might want to buy it as a rental property for himself. He'd have to work up the numbers to see how this might serve all of us. He'll get back to me.

Well that might be a way to go, or it might not. What it did for me though was open me back up to the possible preference, for now, of renting the house instead of selling it. I did a little math of my own, and it looks like we could live comfortably - and very simply and modestly - in Santa Fe if we wanted to, and if we played our cards right, on the fixed income we now have, and if we rented the house we would have additional income as well. It got me thinking about living small in Santa Fe, or anywhere else we might like to spend some time, with a lot of flexibility and no long term commitments. Our community is here in this area. People we care about and who care about us.

Which leads me to Saturday just passed and Game Day on The Land. What a joy it was to see our friends here after 9 months away, and to be the beneficiaries of their good will and affection and generosity and genuine welcoming. Not to mention the good sport and rowdy good fun of playing Guesstures (highly recommended). Thank you all for being the caring and wonderful people you are, and our good friends and neighbors for so many years. We just a few days ago marked our 25th anniversary on Cerro Chato, and many of you have been a part of this adventure from near enough to the very beginning, while others are more recent friends and neighbors.

So good to see you, Lou and Susanne, Tish and Dave,  Bud and Tomoko, Mark and Puck, Luann, and new-to-us neighbors Claudia and Gyana, and Steve.

So we're continuing to clean up - our tenant did a pretty good job of things, really, at least in my view (Nancy seems to feel a bit differently about that) and nothing, with  the single exception of one of the refrigerator legs,  is broken or abused - starting to organize stuff to give away, and just relax back into our lives here. For now!

THANK YOU ALL!!!!!

(I didn't think to take pics of you all. I haven't been thinking in terms of the blog lately, but some of your comments about your enjoyment in reading it led me to this post. I'll get pics when next I see you, and include them here later)

OUR HOUSE AND 10 ACRES ARE FOR SALE

Hey you all, whoever might by chance read this blog any more...............and because I'm wanting to use whatever means, even unlikely ones, that I have at my disposal to sell our house and land, here's the news:

Listing price is $190,000, which, by the way, is already $8000  below Nusenda Credit Union's official evaluation (not an appraisal) related to our home equity credit line with them. We are very flexible, and very motivated to sell.  There seem to be two ways this can happen.

One, a buyer's conventional bank mortgage situation in which case we get paid off all at once, and finis.

Two, we finance the sale ourselves - owner financing - in which case we take a much smaller down payment than a bank would require  -  we're thinking something in the neighborhood of $20K  -  we can sell for a considerably lower price (since we'll be making interest on the deal over some years), and then we can work out some very attractive numbers with a buyer which make us all very happy, and we have a lovely win/win scenario.

We're easy. We'll go either way, but we're hoping that our willingness to finance the sale, with very attractive terms for the buyer, might provide just the fuel needed to get this rocket into orbit.

So................please keep this in mind, in the midst of all else that you have to keep in mind. Spread the word, so to speak, and mention it to anyone you come across who might be interested, or who might know someone who might be interested, etc.

Also, please give people the address to my website for the property, where they can find lots of information and photos:   www.gratefulway.net

We'd like to sell quickly, and we're willing to make the deal very attractive in order to close by, say, end of July.

Love to you all, and we'll be seeing some of you before too long now as we'll be back "home" in New Mexico after June 16.

See ya!

"Skyland" is for sale!

Back In The States....For Now

OLD NEWS

We're in New York safe and sound, and a bit worse for the wear of a 16+ hour flight from Hong Kong, and about a 42 hour journey door to door from Thung Wua Laen. This is only day two of the return adventure, and of course my mom is so very happy to see us. Yesterday we started our foodie re-entrance with a stop at a local market and a $100 bill, which has fed us both for a week in Thailand,  for some of the items we've been without for the last 7 months: tahini, fresh made green juices, blueberries, rice cakes, fresh olives, avocados, pears, hummus, coconut oil, kale, etc. We're both wanting to detox from sugar and salt and whatever msg we haven't been able to "mai sai ponchoorot" our way away from, as well as load up on fresh greens and green juices for a while. This level of our time away speaks directly to our plans to return to Thung Wua Laen and rent a house with a kitchen for a longer - one year is what we're talking about - stay next time, so we can cook and control our food to a greater extent. Eating every meal out for 7 months, while it is a great luxury and a great pleasure on the one hand, is also a great bow to the whims and exigencies of a different way of being in the world.

The nearly 96 year old Mother, Mary

The Sister, Marcia

The Brother, Bob, and his D-I-L Felicia

The S-I-L Vicky

The Cousins Maury and Randi

UPDATE
Now in Florida at MaryAnn and Dave's, where we'll be for another month. We met Saly! After a year or two of skype meetings, we at last have her in our time and place zone. If we think we're having to adjust to being back in the States, all I have to do to remind myself of relativity is to think of her experience of being here for the first time. Meeting new people, eating new foods, not speaking English much at all, dependent on Aaron in so many ways - and he's in Japan for two more weeks, having a hard time with the "cold" weather, and on and on. She so far is sweet and accommodating, cooking traditional meat or fish dishes in a vegetarian variety for me, on her best behavior no doubt what with being surrounded by Aaron's extended family of aunt and uncle and cousins and parents, and tonight, at the "party" we're having, meeting half scores of new and instantly forgettable friends.

Saly

MaryAnn and Dave leave in less than two days for their three week trip to the UK, France and Iceland. Iceland? Ask them.

Dave, MaryAnn, Saly and ???????

After a few weeks  now of non-stop activity and socializing I was able to drop into what I'm actually feeling about being back in the States, and it's sadness and grief. "I don't want to be here" is what it becomes in words. When Nancy spoke the idea many weeks ago now while we were still in Thailand of returning to TWL, making it our "base", and staying for a year, I was very happy to hear it. In that context I'm just eager to get back there, and just not looking forward to what all we need to attend to over the next 4+ months. Oh, I recognize the petulant part of me in this, but really that's not especially strong. I'm immensely grateful for what we've discovered and experienced over the last 8 months, and for what we have ahead of us. I'm just "feeling my feelings" and acknowledging my desires and preferences.

We have another month here in Florida, and then back to New Mexico, about which I'm saying pretty clearly, and Nancy is saying just a bit hesitantly, "I don't want to live in NM any more". So I believe this is our  future speaking, and for a while once we leave in the Fall, we will live perhaps a little in India and a year in Thailand. Beyond that, we're still leaving it open, but anything can happen in a year and a half.

Sell our house and land (which is what we believe we want), or "failing" that (this is all up to God, don't you know), lease it again. We need a cheap, but worthy car for three months in NM. We need to go through our two full-to-the-rafters storage units and release ourselves from possession by our stuff. We need to help Terra, to the extent that we can, get settled in San Diego this summer. We need to spend time with friends, and again with my family in New York, before we depart. We need to figure out, again, the US details of living abroad for a year or more. When I remember to say Thank You a lot none of it seems all that daunting, of course. Even in the midst of my sadness I do remember, and my gratitude and sense of humility for what is available to us continues to astound and overwhelm me. Take nothing for granted, not even the simplest of ordinary things.

In significant part it is this simplicity that I'm eager to return to, and the inherent and multi layered complexities of life in the West that I'm happy to leave behind. And the pace. My experience of being with Nancy in her daily experience of a pace and tenor of life that feels natural to her, at long last, and that feels healing and nurturing to her, is something I can't put into words. My gratitude for this cannot be measured. My delight in this cannot be spoken. Amen.